I think Tarot traditionally has been not particularly queer, so why not make it more relevant to now, and to all of the people in the world. Not just the hetro, binary world. Traditional tarot decks tend to focus on heterosexual, monogamous relationships, marriage, the cliche “I want a tarot reading about love, will I find the one?” For me the 3 of cups in particular is a card that really represents not just looking at relationships in that kind of way. It doesn’t have to be hetro, it doesn’t have to be monogamous, it can be – but it can also be all the other things you might want it to be.
Deeply rooted in authenticity between people, primarily based on what ever those people come to the relationship with. What ever desires, what ever boundaries they might have. It’s really beautiful to see how that interplays – I might have beloveds who I have sex with, some who I don’t have sex with, or some who I have sex with sometimes. It’s not expected that there is a trajectory, there’s not an escalator of relationship goals. Now we have to buy a dog, now we have to buy a house.
Like the idea that we have all these societal expectations around relationships and where they should be headed. Not just where they’re headed but what they mean. The labels dictate what kind of behaviours are expected. If someone is “just my friend” – it’s always “Just”. Which means they’re less important and I don’t see them as often – “when I break up with my partner, that’s when I’ll go to my friends and cry about it.” Or the concept that if you’re in a relationship, that feeling jealous is a sign that the relationship is healthy, instead of that you have things you need to work on around jealousy.
I would define myself as a relationship anarchist – which is about dismantling those norms and expectations or boxes. I am non monogamous, but I don’t think that relationship anarchy is the same as polyamory, because I think it’s more deeply rooted in changing the hierarchy of relating. Often in polyamory it still maintains a hierarchy. I think it depends on what kind of “poly” you’re talking about. Here’s the garden path of the relationship escalator, here’s a machete and the woods – go make your own path, figure out what you want.
Sometimes the 3 of Cups does make me think about threesomes, but I think it goes way beyond that. Sex is also pretty broad for me, what you make of it, what you feel like doing at the time. Weather that is penetrative, weather that is kinky playtimes, or just cuddling – I think it also relates because I also don’t think of sex as stock standard. It’s not “this is sex – this is not sex”.
I would tell my younger self, just because most people don’t operate the way I do, or don’t get it, doesn’t mean it’s not possible to have amazing delicious relationships that are different. That aren’t represented as much or hardly ever in the media. I don’t have to listen to the voices that say “that’s too alternative, it’s never going to happen”. Be creative and play. To me the three of cups has a very playful energy, it’s fun, it’s playful, it’s dynamic – it’s also emotional. It also has that rich emotional depth in a joyous way. I would just say “Play” and gender can be what ever you want it to be as well.
My younger self had lots of hang ups, and the path out of the woods is by seeing myself. Anything that lets me see myself is going to learn and grow and be the person I want to be. Seeing those pieces helps me un-knot them and un-tangle them – and drop them. Realising the core of who I am isn’t some set of expectations I have about myself or the people around me. We are all much more powerful, than we let ourselves think a lot of the time, around what kind of experiences we want. We are the authors and subjects of our own experiences. The more I feel like I feel like the author of my own experience, the better, the healthier, the stronger and more sovereign I feel, and that is wonderful.*
* Transcription from Audio Interview
3 of Cups – Bianca Wolff – They / them – Queer, Pansexual