Working with my Tarot project has been an additional roller coaster journey this week. I have felt blocked, guilty that I had not created or edited any new Tarot cards; that I hadn’t followed up with any local people who I was in the process of creating tarot cards with. My brain and creativity felt so, so stuck. Being back into riding my bike to work for a bit while my van is getting fixed up gave me the opportunity listen to the pod cast series I love again. You know it’s good when you feel inspired, want to cry and completely re-examine your motivation for doing things after listening to an episode.
It really prompted to me to think about what I’ve been doing with the Queer Tarot project. My focus lately has been to find people with skills to help me make a mini documentary out of all the footage I’ve been collecting/ making ready for the Queer film festival next year. I’d set myself a deadline of March next year. I guess subconsciously this date, deadline really freaked me out. Additional pressure on myself when I am already an over-achiever and push myself hard just crushed my creative inspiration. The podcast asked me “Why are you doing this? Why are you pushing so hard for this? Why do you want to get it done by then?
The answer that jumped in to my head really made me cringe and feel embarrassed and ashamed that I’d let my ego get in the way. I was pushing for March so I could get into the film festival, to get known, for the project to be shared, for people who are Queer and on the fringes of magic and tarot to hear about my deck of cards and the content I’m making. A desire fuelled by fear, a need to be externally validated and known or liked by people. Completely NOT the reasons I love, am motivated and inspired to create my cards and a complete loss of sight of the joy and focus on telling Queer stories through the archetype of tarot. Telling stories and creating an inspirational and spiritual representation of our realness through photographic tarot deck – THAT is what I’m about. I don’t want to care about being liked. I don’t want to care how popular this does or does not get. I want it to be an honest and authentic representation of this creative process and gift of inspiration. Sure there’ll have to be some self-promotion involved in there somewhere but that’s the publishing of the project not the creating of the project. It feels like I can’t do both at once. I can’t wear both hats. I can wear one or the other. And right now I really want to keep creating. To keep meeting people, talking to them about tarot and how we learn and grow through it.
Anything I plan is too small to live. I can aim for an idea or thing but I can’t predict what an outcome will be or where life or my journey will actually take me. So why should I fix myself into a deadline when every fibre of my being doesn’t want to do that right now, it wants to create, it wants to shoot and publish tarot cards. Not a documentary. Not a documentary now. A documentary in the future yes, but not now… I feel like there is so much beautiful ground work I still have left to do, where I can immerse myself in the lessons of each card as we create them together. Where I can play with my photography where I can play with learning how to film, where I can learn more about Queerness and humanity and what makes our spiritually tick. That’s what I’m excited about.
I’ve stepped back, stopped feeling bad, and given myself permission to remove the deadline, to pause, to take a breath. To focus back on the photographing of people not the filming and editing of content, but the humans. Given myself permission to stop talking about a documentary for now, to allow myself to be open and learn what I can in the meantime and to enjoy the growth of my creative practice without being my own worst enemy. Maybe I won’t have a documentary to show in next years’ Queer film festival here in Vancouver. And that is 100% completely okay with me. It feels like a relief, a weight off my shoulders and a letting go of guilt or procrastination which I felt focusing on other areas of my life which have been super hectic in the last two weeks. Breathing, stopping, being grateful and letting the love I have for myself, for the humans I love, and the freedom I have to express my creativity.