The Queer Tarot Exhibitions have been the most amazing challenging and I guess you could say awakening experience I’ve had with this project to date.  I advertised them in the big local LGBTQIA+ Festivals, and have been bitterly disappointed with the “return on investment”.  It was an hideously expensive exercise, and for too many dates each time.  But in saying that, the people who have come have blown my mind with their reactions, the Rituals we conducted during the Exhibition openings have been amazing, tear jerking and life changing.

So with that background – here is me mentally working through all this and sharing it with an open heart to you. Holding myself accountable to turn my loss into a gain that benefits this project and my heart and soul which feed the creative energy of the Queer Tarot Cards.

How can this loss serve me? Where does it point my work? I need to metabolise my pain and frustration as energy. I cannot blame the festival advertising – how can I look at this differently and look at a different door, probably one that scares the pants off me. Right here right now I am stopping complaining (mostly in my head to myself), I am going to stop beating myself up, and reach for what I really want for this project in a different way.

It’s never going to be “just the way it is” for me. I refuse! I hate that idea – I’d rather try something and it not work than leave it up to “fate” as it were. Taking action to influence outcomes has been something that passionately drives me ever since I decided being married off as a christian baby-maker / housewife wasn’t the life I wanted for myself.

Every end is a new beginning. I feel like my trip to Sydney for the first week of my exhibition there was a frustrating end and a beginning. I know I really have to do something different but I don’t know what. Maybe exhibitions aren’t the thing for this project, maybe that youtube channel that I really have be procrastinating doing any work on is the next door I am afraid to open. Maybe the advertising I chose was like me as an actor blaming my agent for not getting foot traffic through the door. How can I do something differently with this to make it more of a success?? How how how??  Im throwing “why me” and “what’s the use out the window” they do not serve me. They make me angry in fact. Anger is an action emotion that I can use.  I can take it and do something.  Take it and overcome my insane fear or rejection, fear of lack of acknowledgement and DO something.

Maybe I have been addicted to the anxiety and stress of putting on this event that I have set up myself to achieve less than I wanted to. I think maybe I did.  I think i said in my head. “I’m too new a photographer” – “I don’t deserve to do a solo exhibition”. I know I said it. “I’ll put on an exhibition by myself because I was rejected from the couple of more high profile group exhibitions I applied to get into”. All these undermine my confidence and sense that I actually deserved to put on a successful exhibition. So when my expectations were let down, it was like a self fulfilling I told you so.  I knew there were things I could have done to get more of a word out there to advertise my event more but didn’t prioritise them like I should have. I didn’t ask for help. I ran myself into the ground working for my business or working on the photos so that I “wouldn’t have time” to do the jobs I didn’t like.

This all sounds very negative and intense but sharing this is helping me work through it. Helping me hold myself accountable. Helping me ask for help!!

I want to succeed and know I have amazing friends who really truly showed up to the party to help me and help make the exhibition experiences truly magickal.  Those moments I am thrilled with – grateful, overwhelmed and so so so happy.  But I am not willing to rest there I’m not willing to just “coast” or “survive” I want this project / these Queer Tarot cards to come to fruition be known to be in the hands of wonderful people for whom they’ll be a life changing gift.

This is the gift of inspiration I’ve been given. That spirit creature idea chose me to make it happen and I don’t want my fear, my internal critic telling me I haven’t earned my stripes yet so I don’t deserve to make this success.

I am worthy, I will act, move forward and ask different questions, try things I was too scared to do before because this project is worthy. I am scared, I will need your help and support, but I won’t let that just rest or be passive. If I do I betray myself, my artist, my creativity.

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